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As if you care about my dating life! But since you're reading this dating blog....

Thursday, February 09, 2006
Still Missing My Dad 

I can't help but be a little jealous that He's Like a Brother to Me just got back from Jamaica. My dad had plans to spend his retirement in Jamaica. Jamaica was supposed to be Our Place... Our Escape.

He had retired last year and this period in his life was supposed to be the reward for all his years of working hard. This was supposed to be the period in his life when he could relax, write, enjoy life and spend his days on the beach... with me.

We talked about him building a house there. And we laughed about my mother thinking that she would be welcome. I thought about going for my dad's birthday... but somehow I don't think it will happen because it still chokes me up to think, "Dad's not here anymore."

When I "see" my dad in my head I imagine him lying on the floor, alone in his apartment, dead from heat stroke. I don't even know why I see this since I don't know what the apartment looked like. I hadn't been home since he moved and I didn't see the apartment when I went home for his memorial service. But somehow, in my head I can "see" an apartment with his writing, his books, his records, his fan blowing and my dad there, dead.

I wonder if he thought of me as he lay there dying. Did he know he was dying? Did he think the pain in his chest would pass? Did he try to call someone on his cell phone? Did he try to call me? I wonder if he can see me now, and I wonder what he thinks about what he sees....

I try to "see" my dad as we planned: He's sitting on the beach with me and he's telling me a story. And I am just completely happy. I can feel myself listening; gearing up for something good to happen in the story. I'm already giggling because I know there's a joke coming soon - all of his stories no matter how serious had a funny part - and I can't wait to laugh.

I can't wait to see how he throws his head back when he laughs and how kind his face looks. I can't wait to bend over in laughter, holding my stomach and waiting for the moment when the laugh subsides; even though I hope it'll linger just a bit. Linger just long enough to expel my stress when I exhale. I haven't laughed like that in a while. I can't wait to laugh like that again.

This is part of a series of Wednesday posts to my dating blog. See my sidebar for other stories in
The More Introspective Mad Dater series.

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