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As if you care about my dating life! But since you're reading this dating blog....

Monday, February 20, 2006
Have You Ever Felt Like You Didn't Really Matter to the One Person Who Mattered the Most to You? 

The following is an email sent to Dr. Love Bastard / Dr. Sigmund Bastard about the Well I guess eneryone has to have a first love who breaks their heart post: This Is Not The Email You Want To Get The Day After Valentine's. He called me after receiving my response to the email (see the comments from that post) and said, "Well you 'quote un-quote broke up with me' " & "We never had a conversation about it. You simply said you were done." I responded, "Well, let's have that conversation now". He was on the train at the time... going through a tunnel, so he said he would call me right back. He never did.

I could act like I wasn't hurt by you not calling me back to finish what I considered an important conversation - but it would only be an act. At this point I simply ask that you don't call me back. Why? Because I don't want to have another one of your infamous circular conversations where I gain no insight from what you say. Especially since you don't exactly say anything. I guess that's the major problem - I don't (nor have I ever) known where you stand on "us".

I know that since we are good friends (what is it 10 years & counting now?), if I was speaking to you about what went on between us (ironic that you said "quote un-quote relationship" in our conversation since you made it a point to never call it "a relationship", but now chose to...), if it wasn't you I was talking about, you would've told me to ditch that person. Because here are the facts:
  • I was in love with someone who didn't love me enough to share with his (our) friends that he was with me. Somehow the "Well you want to tell everyone" argument doesn't hold up. Especially since a few of our mutual friends already knew we were fu*k_ng around. But I guess this is my karmic retrobution, since that is usually my style.
  • I was in love with someone who wasn't "in" love with me. Yes, I know you "Cared alot about me", but it's sooo not the same thing... and it's not enough.
  • I was in love with someone who couldn't give me a definitive answer about if he saw me in his future.
  • And most importantly, I was in love with someone who left me with the feeling that I was just their stop over (their waiting terminal - pun intended) until they found The One.
I know as a friend you would have told me to stop f*ck_ng with that person. But I guess you couldn't see that, since you were that person....

These last few months have been beyond hard for me. You all (my friends) don't even know... even if you all claim to. You all don't know what if feels like to have no family to talk to.... You all don't know what if feels like to have lost the most important person in your life. You all don't know what it feels like to be in mourning and not be able to share that loss with your family because that family doesn't talk to you. You all don't know what it feels like and how much that hurts... and how all you want to do is give up because the one person who you achieved for (in the back of your mind) is gone. And you all don't know what it feels like to have your life seem pointless because the one person you called when anything good happened is now gone.

You all don't know what it is like to feel like you don't matter anymore; especially since the one person who always made you feel like you mattered is now gone....

And as I thought about my life, you were one of the major things I thought about.... and cried about. I thought about how I felt that night you gave me a much needed hug (the happiest I had been in months). I thought about the next morning when our mutual friend came over and I had to go back to pretending that we didn't f*ck around (the second lowest I felt in months). And damn if that didn't hurt almost as much as the day I thought you told me you were in love with me (I was beyond happy) only to realize after additional questioning that you weren't "in love with me" (I was beyond crushed). I felt that while you "cared about me", I didn't matter enough to you for you to make a change in our situation.

So when I read that email, damn that shit hurt. Even if I wasn't f*ck_ng with you, you could have at least said something... anything... about her. Damn, I thought we were friends. And don't tell me that bullshit about "we weren't f*ck_ng around anymore", because that email goes back until around the time of my birthday (which did hurt me that you forgot - since my birthday is very important to me, especially this year - and hurts even more in light of that email).

I don't even feel like continuing this email... Because I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't shed anymore tears about you... again. And now I've broken that promise.

This is part of a series of weekly posts to my dating blog. See my sidebar for other stories in The More Introspective Mad Dater series.

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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