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As if you care about my dating life! But since you're reading this dating blog....

Friday, January 13, 2006
If a Ghetto Chick With 3 Gold Teeth & a Gold Weave Shows up For Your Threesome, Leave 

I'm not meant to have a menage a trois. I'll probably never have a threesome because the reality of "diving for pearls" is not appealing to me. But that's not to say I haven't attempted The Threesome.

There was the time when I was hanging out with Lame Excuse Bastard at East Side Lounge and I asked a certain regular, Ms. Shows Her Breasts, if she was down for the Three. Ms. Shows Her Breasts said sure... as long as she saw how Lame Excuse Bastard danced... of course he developed a case of the "I ain't got no rhythm" and she passed.

Then there was the time last summer when I met this Turkish dude, who I'll call Yet Another Crazy Turkish Bastard, at 97 Estoria who offered to drive me home, since he lived in a few blocks from me.

Well his friend starts flirting with me and the topic of threesomes comes up. So, you're a girl in a car with two men and everyone is a little tipsy... what do you think happened? Being a dude, of course Yet Another Crazy Turkish Bastard promptly drops his friend off (Why are dudes always threatened by That Type of Threesome???) and invites me back to his place. Why did I accept? I love a good story and I knew this would be one of them. (Side note: I always have crazy experiences with Turkish Bastards.)

Being a dude, of course Yet Another Crazy Turkish Bastard brings back up the topic of a threesome, makes a phone call and tells me he's invited a "Friend" over. So I ask him about said friend and he tells me they fool around sometimes, she's cute, big breasts etc, etc.

Ok... I'm down... I think... I might as well get this out of my system. About 20 minutes later there was a knock at the door and who walks in? Yowlza kids, it was certainly not what I envisioned as the first chick I'd know in the biblical sense. It was none other than the duo of Gold Tooth Ghetto Chick and her sidekick, The Lesbian Cousin.

Basically if I was a dude, I would have lost my hard-on faster than you could say "I have pictures of Star Jones and Her Husband in the sack". She had a horrible crimped gold weave, three gold teeth with a ghetto attitude and accent to match. Seriously, ya girl could have been: Mess of the Week on Hot Ghetto Mess .

And to make matters worse, Gold Tooth Ghetto Chick was not expecting to see me at HER Man's house. So when she threw a major fit and started cursing out her man, I excused myself to the living room. (Damn, that Biatch for being so close to the door that I couldn't make a break for it). Well out of fist throwing reach, I started talking to The Lesbian Cousin.

After a few "You better get that chick out of here"s from her, "Calm down, I'm not interested in her"s (lie) from him, "You can have him, he just offered me a ride home"s from me, "Oh, she was gonna fuck her way home"s from her, and a few "I live a few blocks away, I'll walk"s from me, I got up to go. Thank God, she had moved away from the door at this point.

The Lesbian Cousin, who I had the distinct feeling was hitting on me, offered me a ride home. But not before she decided that her drunk cousin needed to go home as well... in the same car as me. Never have I been so scared in the back seat of a car (well except for the one time in my boyfriends car...). Seriously, this girl looked like she had been in a few fights in her day (maybe even the day before) and I don't fight. Not because I can't, but because I don't want scratches on my face - lol.

So The Lesbian Cousin drops me off and gave me her number. Even though I contemplated calling her, am often quoted as saying: "I wish I were a lesbian" and have flirted with a girl or two, I'll probably never have a lesbian experience for the same reason why I'll never have a threesome: Arrgh matey, I'm no deep sea diver - lol.

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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