As if you care about my dating life! But since you're reading this dating blog....

Monday, September 08, 2003
I'll Take Some Fries With That Shake 

I'm hungry... and I want some company (I'm such a big baby)

... Who do I call... "El Diablo Bastard". I can't help myself... I really like him. He comes to get me and we go to The Righteous Room. (I tell ya they really have the best burgers in the Atl.) We ate and talked for like two hours. Then went for a walk. And by walk, I mean heavy moaning, groaning and grinding with some steps in between.

Ya man tells me that we're not gonna have sex for Six Months (making plans for the future are we...), but that everything else is allowable. Wow there's definitely a lot of room in what's allowable... But I know that he'll break before then. Remember I did "Hang Out" with that Jehovah's Witness Bastard, "No Sex In The Champagne Room Bastard"... He gave me enough of a training course in abstaining... We'll see who lasts the longest...

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Sunday, September 07, 2003
Decatur Is Greater 

"El Diablo Bastard" calls me up and asks the eternal open ended question: "So what are yo doing?" Never one to beat around the bush (unless it's my own), I tell him to just ask me out already! It's a good thing he told me that he like people to be direct, or else that coulda been ugly.

We decide to do something different and hand out in Decatur. ( I would tell you what Decatur is known for...but I don't think it's much) As frequent customers of Apres Diem we decide to check out the sister spot Carpe Diem. Yes, yes I know...not much DIFFERENT. Well I said we were gonna do something different, not lose ourm inds and go to a poetry reading at Java Monkey.

Wow, this place is really nice. It's about twice as big as Apres, and they even have a DJ on Sunday nights. Better still they offer the now ubiquitous Bottomless Glass of Wine( Did ya say bottomless..) Well we order some drinks and chill out on one of tghe sofas in the main room.. Crazy thing is we were so comfortable with each other. I think I really like him (Oh, oh... danger Will Rogers... danger)

The Bastard Who Could be My Brother shows up, (Congrats on the new gig again bro!) and we all just chill. Now The Mad Dater must have friend's approval on Bastards that I think I like. Good sign... they seem to be getting along well.

After The Bastard Who Could be My Brother leaves and my third glass of wine kicks in (The server looked at me like "I can't believe that she drank all of that" - hey The Bottomless Glass was their idea) the couch felt like home. And by the moves that "El Diablo Bastard" was putting on me on that couch, I knew we better jet - before the couch became a bed....

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Friday, September 05, 2003
Low Riding In Red Cars 

After the whole " Busta No Rhymes" incident I decide to dance with this Bastard who bums a cigarette off of me. We start to dance and who do I see, dancing by himself... none other than "El Diablo Bastard". I'm feeling confident or maybe I was just feeling the two Mandarin and Tonics and Red Stripe that I had. I'm also feeling like the fact that he didn't give me his number was a freak of nature (Hey I have been turned down before... but not when I knew that someone was digging me).

So I ditch the Bastard I'm dancing with and slide up to "El Diablo Bastard". We start dancing and we dance non-stop for an hour. I'm thinking "I've got this one wrapped up". And not just because we were definitely insync, but because that hard thing pressed against on my butt confirmed it. But I'm still reeling from the fact that he didn't even ask for my number.

I look at him and ask "Why are you messing with me?" He responds with a coy smile. I ask again and he says "Let's get out of here.". We head to his Red Truck (No gun rack included - this is Atlanta) and I tell him, "Look I know you're feeling me, there's no future in the fronting." (Ok... maybe I didn't say the "...no future in the fronting" part - I just always wanted to say that.) He flat out tells me that he is NOT feeling me.

We get in the truck and I tell him, I don't believe him. He reiterates again that he is not feeling me, and tells me that I'm a Prima Donna who once they get what they want, they don't want it anymore, that it's obvoius that I'm a softie even though I act hardcore. (He speaks the truth!)

He even tells me that he's gonna name me Soft Serve because of how much of a softie I am. (Nicknaming me already are we...) We chat in his truck for about two hours... funny with every half hour he keeps inching closer to me.. not feeling me huh! I don't believe him for a second. And I knew I was right when he kissed me good night.

I always get my Bastard

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Busta No Rhymes 

So I'm chilling at The Bar at MJQ hoping that I still have some Bastard Pulling Abilities in reserve when Busta No Rhymes tries to holla at me. (He's such a busta that he doesn't even deserve a bastard name). Now I'm thinking that my abilities have fallen off so much, now I'm not even attracting Bastards I'm attracting Bustas.

Now granted you don't have to be a cutie pie to get The Mad Dater's number (though it is a definite plus), but you do have to have a personality. And if you don't have that you at least need to be smart. And if you don't have that at least be interesting. And if you don't have any of those, well I can't help ya.

Do you know what Busta No Rhymes's opening line was? "I like your hair". (He must have watched that "Miss Manners" commercial too much) Then his next line is, "Can I get your number?". I mean no segue (not to be confused with The Segways that The Pimpstress tells me the medics use in Alpharetta), no "hey how ya doing", nada. I ask him "Why should I give you my phone number?" He looks perplexed so I say, "Ok. Describe yourself to me in three words. If I like it I'll give you my number."

Drum roll for the corniest answer ever...."Cool, A$$ Brother" Yeah I got three words for him "Beat it Buck-o". So I decide to be nice and nicely tell him "Dude, you would get so much more play, if you just be yourself and relax." He responds with a "Whatever." I respond by moving to the other side of the bar.

Where o' where has my Tan gone....

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Thursday, September 04, 2003
When The Tan Fades 

As you may know, when The Mad Dater has a tan, Bastards start to fall out of the sky. Well it's September in Atlanta, and while it's still really warm, I think I've pimped the last of my vacation tan. And it seems that my Bastard Pulling Abilities are fading also.

So, I'm walking home through Little Five Points and I spot "D.."( who will now be referred to as "El Diablo Bastard") at Little Five Points Pizza (It'll always be Felini's to me). Now "El Diablo Bastard" is friends with an old Bastard that I use to mess around with, "The Flaky Ethiopian Bastard". (We messed around and then he was no where to be found) I don't know why it is, but I always end up seeing one of his people in L5P.

"El Diablo Bastard" is finishing up some food and asks me to sit down. Now Ya man is a cutie pie, but as I said, he was friends with a Bastard I used to mess around with. So I'm thinking, i can't just straight holla at him, I gotta do my 'Under Cover Holla' (Not to be confused with under the cover hollering) AKA 'The stealth Holla'.

So we're vibing, at least I think we are, but I still don't feel him reeled in. I tell him I'm thinking of going to East Side Lounge. He doesn't take the bait. So we keep chatting for two hours (Yes, I put in work where the cuties are concerned) and I tell him I gotta go. Then he asks me if I want to go to East Side Lounge. I'm thinking finally!

We roll in there and who do I see, but Joi - now that woman is bad - one of my favorite singers. So I know tonight's gonna be good. So we're chit-chatting, etc. I press into ya man a few times, nothing. I even do the "thigh squeeze" (You know, you're talking/flirting with someone and you squeezetheir thigh to emphasis the point). I even do the "arm caress"(same as previous, insert arm instead of thigh) still nothing. My powers must have dissappeared.

Well it's now 3 AM and while we were having a good time I had to call it a wrap because - 1. He's obviously wasn't feeling me - 2. My powers have obviously faded. 3. I had to go to work in the morn. So I'm like gotta jet kid. And you know what happened. He didn't even ask for my number... so what did I do the next day... Buy some self tanner!

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Wednesday, September 03, 2003
This One's For The Fellas - A HARD-equin Romance 

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The Punisher Bastard grabbed the Seagram's Ice out of my hand, staining my bustier with the lemon flavored malt beverage. Pausing with the bottle at his lips, he looked at me, "You weren't drinking that." How he could wipe his mouth and pull me from my chair to his lap in one motion left me confused. Too confused to refuse the kiss that molested my neck.

I felt a smile on my neck. I felt chilled air caressing the wet spot on my skin when he said, "You like that." It wasn't a question, simply a statement of the facts between us. "I know you like it." He twisted my wrists and forced me up. Pushing me through the tinted glass balcony doors, past the replica Eames Chairs and through the living room filled with generic furniture that could have been rented from any CORT.

"Is this a show apartment?" My thought could not progress. The only thing I would be shown is the bed that I fell against. "You like that huh?" Again no answer required, no answer sought. He surveyed me from above. Looking directly into my eyes he confirmed his control. It was never in question. Did I hear him speak or did I simply feel him speak to me as he unzipped his pants. My eyes fell to his opened pants. "Look at me!" My eyes averted to his face. "No look into my eyes," he grabbed my head squaring it to his.

"When I take off my boxers you're gonna go down on me." He shook his head affirmatively, as if to convince me that the only answer was "yes." Crushing his fingers into my soft cheeks as he gripped my jaw he whispered, "You have such beautiful lips." I felt bare, though I hadn't taken anything off. Or had I?

"You're gonna do such an excellent job." He moved my chin up and down in acquiescence. "You know why? Because you like to do a good job and you're gonna enjoy doing a good job at this."

I didn't answer quick enough, so he forced my head down to the task set before me. As he pulled off his boxers to reveal himself, I could hear him from above me "Yes, you're going to do a very good job."

This story has been altered to protect the innocently guilty...

"Shook me all night long
Yeah you shook me all night long"
- ACDC - You Shook Me All Night Long

A Big Shout Out to The Hard Artist who could have written part one to this....

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Tuesday, September 02, 2003
The Bastard Who Stood me up... A Poem 

A Poem inspired by Abs of Steel Bastard

I was walking by when I saw the abs
Let my hand slip to catch a grab (on the abs that is)
The owner said "How are you?"
And I said "Swell"
He called me two times, then stood me up.
What the Hell!

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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I Shall Return 

Fear not the Mad Dater shall return with more stories of Bastards... Or have fear if you're the Bastard who stood me up this weekend!

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Sunday, August 31, 2003
Dear Diary - "Don't Tell Nobody" 

It was Saturday of The Big Bastard Weekend and I decided to honor my promise to my kidnapper ISSy (Inner Slutty Sister) of The I-Three's and " Have more sex".

Took myself out to dinner at Surin's Thai Bowl - and started the night out with Sake and Beer (All's good that starts out with Sake and Beer) Oh, I forgot to mention the outfit: requisite Black pants (I swore them off but I swear they multiply in my closet when I'm not looking) and my new Naughty But Nice Bustier, completing the look with my Little Red Riding Hood shoes (they're red, high-heeled, 40's retro shoes with a sweet little bow in the front). These shooes scream "Deflower me!" (You know the type fellas, it's the type that ya want the girl to leave on when all else falls off) As Old Dirty Bastard said, "Those are some cute - come f@#$ me shoes.''

I digress. So doing my best "Catholic School Girl" impersonation (Daddy's little girl on the outside, dirty little girl inside - here's to you ISSy) and nicely lubricated when I roll up to Apres Diem. When I order the requisite Kettle One Gimlet Up, The Bartender Christopher (cutie) asks me how I'm doing and I tell him that I'm doing The Opposite (my Sienfield tribule) and ask him what I should do. He told me to go to The Clermont Lounge. (For those of you who don't live in Atlanta, it features trailer park strippers, including the specialty act Blondie. A Big black woman with blond hair who crushes beer cans with her massive breasts - and no Dr. Sigmund Bastard, I won't be attempting that trick.)

While I'm thinking about it, I notice someone noticing me. A cutie pie sips his drink and nonchalantely looks over at me... a few times. I act as if I'm in deep thought. (I hear being pensive is a come-on). Boom, not two seconds later (O.k. more like two minutes, but when you sense that you're gonna get some it's more like two seconds.) Ya man rolls over to me and starts to holla. Immediately I as him if he's Turkish. (Remember, I used to date Crazy Turkish Bastard - who pre-dated this blog). He's Half-Italian, Half Turkish and I'm hoping a stallion like Crazy Turkish Bastard) . We talk for a minute (more like 20 but, you know what I mean) then he decides that we should go somewhere else for a drink... his place maybe.

It tickles me how people as for you to "Come up and see me some time". So being my Opposite Inspired Big Bastard Weekend, I decide to gowith him; plus I really wanted to see his condo complex. (That big eyesore on Peachtree - The Metropolis) We go back to his place and the first sign that I knew I was in trouble was when he hands me a Zima-like beverage - some lemony malt beverage. I'm like "Dude, I always wondered who bought this stuff at the supermarket - I thought it was simply underage sorority girls"

So I try to drink that crap and we pay twenty questions on the balcony. Maybe it was the summer breeze, maybe it was the two Kettle One Gimlets, maybe it was the couple having sex by the pool... who knows, but ya man's final question for the night "You're beautiful, we're obviously attracted to each other why aren't we in the bedroom?"

I answered his question with my own "Yeah why aren't we?"

To Be Continued...

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Saturday, August 30, 2003
The BWA's - Big Bastard Weekend Awards  

In honor of all the blogs written about the VMA's I' thought I'd give out awards for The First Annual Big Bastard Weekend :

Best Use Of The Ass Grab in a Club Award: Dr. Feel Good Bastard for grabbing my ass at Whiskey Peach and then giving me a really good massage to make up for his transgression. You can always make a place for a Bastard with good hands

The ISSy Would Love You Award: The Punisher Bastard (See post: Be Verry, Verry Quiet) His Bastard name and that post should enlighten you as to why he gets that award - I'll talk more about that later this week.

Lamest Excuse for not Calling Award: It's a Wrap Bastard for telling me what basically sounded like Blah blash, blazey skippy about all the reasons why he didn't call me - he missed "The sun was in my eyes"

I Know I Haven't Called You in a Long Time But... Award: Oh Brother Where At Thou Bastard who calls me once evey few months on Sunday mornings for no apparent reason - we've never even been on a date or had a conversation longer that 3 minutes - go figure...

The No Show Award - To Trekkers Bastard for not showing up at Apres Diem ... he gets a pass because he was allready drunk - and The Mad Dater can't resist an accent!

It's About Time You Stopped Being Flakey Award: To "Bastard Gigante" - for finally hanging out with me and not flaking out on Sunday.

Best Impersation of a Bastard I Used to Date Award: The Punisher Bastard - though he's half Turkish and Half Italian - I swear he could be Crazy Turkish Guy's brother. Though he's a much better driver -(I should know, he drove me to his apartment at The Metropolis after drinks at Apres Diem - BTW: The Metropolis looks like a hotel from the inside and not in a good way.

Lifetime Bastard Achievenemt Award: No Sex In The Champagne Room Bastard - for calling me and telling me that he hasn't slept in his bed since the last time that I spent the night - this is like two months ago - I was like I don't believe you. Who the hell would sleep on their futon when they can sleep on their bed. And who the hell would make their bed into some sacred space especially when we never sleop togeteher.

And Finally.....

Most Promising New Bastard Award: Bob Marley Bastard - for sincerity and allowing me to bail on a date with him. (Quietly it's for being such a cutie and for looking like bob Marley too - and he's a Capricorn also - always a plus)

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Friday, August 29, 2003
It's Bastard Season 

In the words of that famous Street Scholar Flava Flav,"Yeeaahh Booyyee!" It's the weekend Baby and it's a long one. Well I've planned "The First Annual Big Bastard Weekend". What's The First Annual Big Bastard Weekend", you ask? Well you can think of it as recruiting time. My Bastard Team, needs some fresh talent. I traded a couple of players and some just straight got fired. A few had to go back to the minors and I still have hope for a few - they just need some more training. All in all my team needs some new life. So I'm recruiting this weekend!

I've even come up with a new recruitment tactic. In honor of Beverage Boy's birthday , I'm gonna "Constanza" and do "The Opposite" (remember the Sienfield Episode where George Costanza does everything the opposite of how he usually does it and everything goes right? - well even if you don't follow me...) So The Mad Dater Is going to do THE OPPOSITE of everything that I usually do.

I'm actually going to Whiskey Peach which is basically the commercialized new version of the former Nomenclature. While I'm still going to MJQ , since ?uestLove is dj'ing, I'm just gonna drink Tequila and PBR (The opposite of my usual Gimlet or Mandarin&Tonic) - Now PBR and Tequila mixed alone will make for a good story I suspect.

But The best thing about this weekend my friend He's Like a Brother To Me has to film something for his reel, so where gonna shoot around The Atl and The Mad Dater's will be caught on film for perpuity... I'm thinking something classy along the lines of "Girls Gone Wild" meets "Porgy's"- wish me luck in my recruitment efforts!

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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The Mad Dater vs. Bitterly Single - Round III 

To The Bitter Souls at Bitterly Single:

As a fellow Bitter-ite, I''m totally sorry for screwing up your description in my link to your site:Bitterly Single.

It should have read:

"We may not allways be single, but we'll always be bitter".

But instead I typed:

"We may not allways be bitter, but we'll always be single".

I think I was thinking of myself with the "We may not allways be bitter, but we'll always be single" line since it's true. But if you all haven't checked out the site, you should definetly read the post from today: Top Five Guys Who Rejected Me In High School

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Wednesday, August 27, 2003
Commenting Issues 

Seems to be a problem with the Blogextra BackBlog system - switched back to haloscan
So if you got something to say, say it!

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Three Signs That I Need To Plan A Bastard-full Weekend 

Here are three things that I got emailed today - all signs point to a Bastard-full Weekend:

"Summer bachelors, like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be." - Nora Ephron

Capricorn Horoscope From The Aquarius
Remember the song “Are you lonely tonight?” It could be your theme song, Cap. With all the deep probing you have been doing in your subconscious, you still find that lonely feeling is very strong. Well, hold onto your hat. Plenty of tests are in the making in the next two years dealing with relationships. You can't keep the wall up around you forever. This is showdown time. If you are married, slow up and begin to learn what your partner needs from you. If you are single, begin to look at the people you have attracted into your life and how each reflect some aspect of yourself that you just can't claim, much less use. It's time to stop being lonely, Cap. With Mercury and Venus bringing you a new philosophical outlook, begin to reshape your life. The fall equinox on Sept. 23 opens the door for you to take the first step into life. Real life.

Capricorn Horoscope From Free Will Astrology
Alert! Mars is extremely up-close and personal right now. Not since the time of the Neanderthals has the red planet veered so near to the Earth. In cosmic terms, it's practically on top of us, ladies and gentlemen. It's in our faces. It's forcing us to deal with its favorite agendas. What that means for you Capricorns is that you'd better communicate with concise candor in all matters related to your ambitions and sexuality. Find a way to express your burning desires with uncompromising integrity.

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Tuesday, August 26, 2003
The Mad Dater's Super Hero Alter Ego 

When not enlisting Bastards into her army The Mad Dater is also a member of the Dynamic Duo of: Wonder Girl and Beverage Boy. The profile was created by Beverage Boy (whose Bastard status flucates according to The Mad Dater's mood - usually when he tries to put an unwanted move on The Mad Dater).

Superhero: Wonder Girl
Alterego: The Mad Dater
Codename: Elaine Benes, or Laney
Theme Music: Steely Dan Greatest Hits, Fleetwood Mac (almost any of their albums)
Movie: The Usual Suspects, Office Space, Requiem For a Dream
Super Powers: When she turns evil can strike fear into people with a simple stare, ability to capture all of Beverage Boy’s dance steps but one. Also has the ability to sick a pack of dogs on someone through mental telepathy.
Teams: Knicks, and Mets
Drink: Vodka Gimlet straight-up (Usually Kettle One with a Camel chaser)
Food: Mussels and Fried Calamari cook perfectly
Phrase best known for: Dumb Ass, I wish I was a lesbian, Ya only live once, jerk-o
Pet Peeves: Talking to idiotic people, chain restaurants, white zinfandel, and men making foul comments.
When she knows her tip is shot: The moment a ghetto patron puts their own hair in her food asking to speak with the manager.
Favorite Cities: Miami or Anywhere mucho caliente
Weakness: Milk and parties where incense is burned and African dances are done off of house music
Fear: Turkish men who can’t drive.

For creating this profile and for knowing The Mad Dater so well, Beverage Boy will always hold a special place in The Mad Dater's heart - should she find one. Happy Birthday Beverage Boy!

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Monday, August 25, 2003
Free at Last... Free at Last 

Sheesh.. I'm finally free... a little woozy from all the brain washing but free. I feel like Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz" - well that's if Dorothy was older, less naive and had more style sense - though those Ruby shoes are hot!

I was freed on three conditions - one from each of The I-Three members:

IGGy (Inner Good Girl) - made me promise to be a little nicer to would be Bastards and listen to my heart.
ISSy (Inner Slutty Sister) - made me promise to not change for anyone - (A euphuism for - Have more sex and don't date people who won't) and listen to my loins.
IVOR (Inner Voice Of Reason) - made me promise to use reason in all matters of the heart and loins and listen to my brain.

Well, as per my agreement - I went to see Dr. Sigmund Bastard ; it seems that I needed a "Laying Of Hands" method to solve my problem. Seems mere talk from the good doctor would not suffice. And as always Dr. Sigmund Bastardcame through with the remedy. Made me say "Whew" ... twice.

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Friday, August 22, 2003
Be Verry, Verry Quiet 

...shh I have to type quietly. I'm still being held hostage by the I-Three. ISSy (Inner Slutty Sister), says, she kidnapped me because I must have been out of my mind to consider dating "No Sex In The Champagne Room Bastard". (She put major emphasis on the NO SEX part of the deal) She told me that I was a bad girl and needed to be punished...and not in the good way. We even took a trip to the "sexuality" aisle at a Barnes & Nobles. She keeps telling me that she's gonna take me to Insurrection and buy some handcuffs for me and not the cute fuzzy kind either... shh, I almost got caught... gotta go. I think IGGy (Inner Good Girl) and ISSy (Inner Slutty Sister) are coming this way.

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Wednesday, August 20, 2003
The I-Threes 

The Bastard Daily News:
Atlanta, Ga. - (AP) "Yes, we are claiming responsibility for the kidnapping of The Mad Dater. And we'd do it again!" In a statement sent to the press today, a group known as The I-Three , (No relation to the back-up group for Bob Marley) short for The Inner Three has taken responsibility for the disappearance of The Mad Dater . They are also claiming to have written the sappy, love sick, clichéd last post, supposedly written by The Mad Dater .

Having received numerous complaints from readers of this site, The Chief of The Bitter Police started investigating who actually posted the "We Interrupt Our Regularly Scheduled Rant: To Bring You This Clichéd Goodbye Letter"post. Most regular readers of the site knew that something was wrong and that The Mad Dater would not have written something so sappy. His team turned up nothing yesterday, but received a statement from the group claiming responsibility for the kidnapping today. The post itself is said to have been written by IGGy - The Mad Dater's Inner Good Girl.

The group know as The I-Three is made up of IGGy (Inner Good Girl), ISSy (Inner Slutty Sister) and IVOR (Inner Voice Of Reason). They are usually found hiding inside The Mad Dater and appear only when she is pre-menstrual. It seems that they had somehow escaped yesterday even though The Mad Dater should not be seeing her monthly "friend" for another two weeks.

The only description that The Bitter Police have about any members of the group is about IGGy . The scrappiest of the group, IGGy is known to be made up of Sugar, Spice and Everything nice. She can usually be found dotting her 'i''s with hearts. Do not trust her. She will win your hear over with one flash of her dimple and the next thing you know you'll be writing poetry.

At press time that is all the news we have. We will keep you posted as more news comes in....

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Help,The Mad Dater has been kidnapped! 

Help I've been kidnapped! Please Rescue Me! They're making me nice!.....

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Tuesday, August 19, 2003
We Interrupt Our Regularly Scheduled Rant: To Bring You This Clichéd Goodbye Letter 

"Dear No Sex In The Champagne Room Bastard",

I don't remember how that first kiss started.(Then again I did have 3 Gimlets at Après Diem) I do however remember feeling a warmth all through me (sorta like a shot of Grand Marnier). And when our lips parted, I was left with a feeling of being woken up from a great dream. I never had a kiss like that before.

The next morning, I thought about a letter that I wrote to my future soulmate a few years ago, and how these words could then have been written for you

Let's keep us in our every moment. Let's let all else disappears. Let's create our own secret happiness. Let's accept this challenge. Trust me... it will be so lover."

Funny how I thought that then, now all I can think is "So this is why they make those Damn heartbreak love songs!"

I wish that you had just admitted to me and yourself the following equation:

you + non-member of your church = no future

We would have never had to play this Heart Game and go through any of this. I asked you and you wanted to put it off. I asked again and you said, "I don't want to talk about this now". Now look where we are.

Now I feel you would have been unprepared for what we might have had. Unprepared to be so happy with someone who you could be all of your crazy selves. Unprepared to laugh and argue with someone who would and still think that everything will be OK. (We already seem pretty good at that). We could have had much more than just empty sex (I see you had that without me) and stupid conversations. It would have made all that came before seem like simply a warm up to what would be between us. Now that would have been amazing and could have existed between us.

I wanted to enjoy the company of a fellow lunatic. I wanted to make you believe all of the fantasies that you have about yourself. And I wanted to make them real. I wanted that One True Thing. That thing of poetry, and songs and obsessions and letters like this.... (Not to mention stalkers, serial killers and the like) I could have made it happen. That's my charm you see. How do I know this could have been? Because I saw it. I saw it when you looked at me. I loved how I felt when you looked at me. I felt rescued in your eyes. I felt.

You know Sunday night...whenever I heard a car pull up, I hoped that it was you. And even when I knew that it was just some silly fantasy, I still looked anyway. I thought about you so intensely that for a few moments my pillow felt like you. And when my pillow felt like you I thought, "I could have slept next to you every night for the rest of my life."

In Miss Lonelyhearts , Nathaniel West wrote:

"Life is worthwhile, for it is full of dreams and peace... and ecstasy and faith that burns like a clear white flame on a dark alter

As I stand on this dark alter, my bright hope covers and nurses me and let's me know that even though I never felt a kiss like yours before, I'll feel it again... it just won't be with you.

But this should all mean nothing to you, since you told me that my words mean nothing to you. And since all I really am and have are my words... I mean nothing to you. So again, Goodbye

The Mad Dater - Formerly Known As: The Silly Optimist

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Monday, August 18, 2003
When Bastards Come Back To Haunt You II - See I told you there would be a sequel 

As you may have noticed the drama factor here at Dating Tales From The Mad Dater has reached an all time low - due mostly in part to the departure of "No Sex In The Champagne Room Bastard" . But like any good Soap Opera - which my dating life has become ("All My Bastards" has a nice ring to it) characters never really die; even if they've been killed by a satanic shopping carts while buying groceries for their 2nd wife who was married to their father who died but was realty their brother. Like a night of fried bar food and beer, Bastards inevitable come back to haunt you.

And you guessed it - let's welcome back to the story.... "No Sex In The Champagne Room Bastard". Yes, folks our once hero now semi-villain has returned in an email to The Mad Dater. Seems old buddy old pal was reading this site and feels that I was right about a few things, I would print his whole email, but I just need a little "I was so right" time - (yes I am a bastard too)!

You're are absolutely right about one thing that I hate to admit. I do expect people to wait for me. It a human defect that I have aside of some selfish tendencies that I have. I have been noticing my accountability lately and I need some work. If I have offended you in the past I apologize. I mean that sincerely...

Normally the Mad Dater would revel in the "I'm soo right" thing a little longer... but the truth is that I did spend a good portion of last night thinking about the bastard. I went from almost picking up the phone, to feeling stupid, to angry, to thinking why bother... I'll just end up the losing party.

But I think that John Updike summed it up best when he wrote :

"That's the trouble with caring about anybody, you begin to feel overprotective. Then you begin to feel crowded"

- Rabbit Redux

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Wednesday, August 13, 2003
Why does the Mad Dater's neck hurt? 

It was a beautiful night, Saturday Night that is. I was on my way to see a long time crush: "It's a Wrap Bastard'. And I definetly had that slightly nervous, slightly excited feeling. If you're a woman, it's like getting your first pair of Manolo's - ("Will I fall?", "Will I be comfortable?", "Will I break the bank?" "Will someone else be wearing them?"). If your a guy, it's like buying your first condom ("Will it fit?" "Is the cashier looking at me?" "Will I even get to use it?" "Speaking of which, how do I use this?") So you get how I'm feeling?.

So I head over to the store owned by "It's a Wrap Bastard" and it musta been like 1:00AM, since I had just left the house of "Bastard From The Past ". So I roll up in the spot - more like caught my breath and hoped I was still feeling as cute as I looked. ( A much harder job I might add. ) "Look cute, feel cute." - So check to both . Ya man gives me a hug and we sit on the couch. (Well that's if you consider 'sitting' to be deeply reclined, nearly horizontal on a couch that looks like it's seen a whole lot of legs in the air and heard a lot of "Ahh's" in it's time)... I digress.

Well we had only been talking for a few minutes (Talking: The idle air let out of mouths, in anticipation of a kiss) when he filps to PBS and Floetry is in concert. And you know that Floetry's music is only for one thing.... So ya man pulls me a little close... then we kiss... then he puts my hand under his shirt... then we turned into two kids on prom night (at least like the prom nights other tell me about - since my stupid single sex school decided to 86 the whole prom thing.) Basically it was a big make out session.. and I actually have a hickey. I completely forgot what those were like and how they used to have both shame and pride attached to them. Now it's just funny. Funny to actually know that I was "messing around" with someone in a day and age when people head straight to the sheets and only "mess around" as a way to spice up their "straight-to-the-sheets sex lives". Hence why The Mad Dater's neck is hurting...

But.. . I sense that you're thinking that I'm at the "straight-to-the-sheets" age, why didn't I kick back on that well worn couch? Why weren't The Twins saying "hello" to a new friend? Well that's exactly why! It was all going good until ya man was like "So can I see one of your breasts" I think The Twins said "yes", but I was like "nah"... after taking a long pause. I mean really, The Twins are pretty special to me...a nd to those whop do get the pleasure of their company. So I get up, give him a kiss and tell him, "I'm about to jet. It's getting late( quick Floetry reference)." We hug and say goodbye.

So do you think he'll turn into a Bastard...
Las Vegas has give it 5 - 1 odds in favor of bastardry.

Stay tuned tomorrow for our next installment entitled: When Good Guys Become Bastards

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Tuesday, August 12, 2003
The Bastardful Weekend Continued - This is a long one -  

So Saturday. Our story opens with The Mad Dater thinking "I look too cute to be sitting on my couch on a beautiful Saturday." So I call up "Beat Box Bastard" ,(who, I've been meaning to get up for a minute) "Trekkers Bastard" , (who called me multiple times on Friday - I'm guessing a little more than tipsy - but I was otherwise occupied with "Dr. Sigmund Bastard"), and "No Sex In The Champagne Room Bastard" (I felt a little bad about the whole situation - yes The Mad Dater" does have a conscience!).

So "Trekkers Bastard" doesn't answer (recovering, I'm guessing. "Beat Box Bastard" calls me and we decide to have lunch at La Fonda . I shoulda known better... the paella sucks here and the margaritas, are basically lemonade with weak tequila and a lime. But what was more disappointing than the food... was the company - for someone who always shines when I see him out, "Beat Box Bastard" , was well... a little dull. I'm mean the conversation was all about him - I did my best impression of an Active Listener - You know, saying my "Uh, huh", "Oh Really" and "So how did that turn out?" at the right times. I was basically Ed McMann to His Johnny - except I wasn't laughing. It took all my energy to not look at the passing traffic. But he's still cool ... and cute....

Then I head back to my house and realize that my phone had been off that whole time. Check the messages, and one is from "No Sex In The Champagne Room Bastard" , call ya man back and meet him for an earlier dinner. Just end up having drinks and rehashing the fact that we'll never be together. I'll never be a member of his church and he'll never come to his senses... kidding. He'll never be with someone outside of his church. So I let it all out - tell him everything that I felt about him (secretly I was hoping that , I don't know - that something would change - silly girl), but we have 2 drinks and then he tells me that he has to "Study his Lessons" - the Bible that is.

Right before he leaves "Bastard From The Past" comes up with his dog. I introduce them, and who do I spot over his shoulder, but "It's a Wrap Bastard" . Man I've had a crush on him for like six years. So after "No Sex In The Champagne Room Bastard" leaves. I go holla at "It's a Wrap Bastard" - hey I was looking cute and you can't waste a good cute day! He says that I should "kidnap" him. I was like "Boy I really would, if you let me". Then I tell him that I use to have a crush on him. He's like we've wasted a lot of time... have we ever. So I tell him that I'm headed over to the house of "Bastard From The Past"and I'll get up with him on my way to MJQ .

I'll still answer the question: "Why does the Mad Dater's neck hurt?" in my next post. Gotta jet!

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Monday, August 11, 2003
When Bastards Come Back To Haunt You 

( I would say The Final Chapter, but I know there'll be a sequel)

So first I get an email from "El Bastard Gigante" .. BLEW MY MIND TOO... I was like this must be a mistake. I read it, ya man's like "What's up, Blah, Blah... Let's get up... blah , blah." So I reply to that email and tell ya boy that we should meet up on Thursday for drinks... (I ended up having a light dinner with "Old Dirty Bastard" - at Après Diem who ended up acting more Old than bastard and leaving my "shrew untamed") Well "El Bastard Gigante" ends up calling NO YOU DID NOT READ WRONG - HE CALLED ME (on Friday no less) Asking to meet up - but I already had plans to meet Dr. Sigmund Bastard at Central City Tavern . So I tell him some other time and wouldn't ya know it - I end up bumping into him on my way home and he drops me off. Still no sparks...

And in more Bastard Where Ya Been News...:

Tuesday night.. just got in my house... and who should call me: "Oh, You Can't Call Nobody Bastard" - (Note: prevoiusly I said that he really didn't deserve the bastard moniker since he hadn't done anything bastardly... huh... well guess what, he now deserves the title ) So anyway, the bastard calls me up, like

"What up, blab..blah... Oh, I can't believe that you remember that my birthday is Saturday... blah, blah... Yeah we should go to lunch on Saturday... blah, blah... The Fountainhead is a great book, thanks blah., blah..."

So we're supposed to meet on Saturday and guess what...we didn't - he din't return my phone call - what a big FLAKE And we know how The Mad Dater" feels about flakes - they're only good in my cereal. And his number gets what... Erased . But don't fret boy, and girls and those still trying to decide... My weekend got only betta - BABY . I'll tell ya'll about it tomorrah - it will answer the question: "Why does The Mad Dater's Neck Hurt?"

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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