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As if you care about my dating life! But since you're reading this dating blog....

Thursday, November 20, 2003
What Happens When You Break Up With A Man 

This is an archived post. Please read my more recent posts to this dating blog

This was inspired by Witchy Woman's response to what I wrote about the "Baking Bastard" hitting on me... "although I could be wrong, any man in his right mind would be stupid not to try to hit on you... but I've seen this before numerous times with ex's, and it's always the same ugly process...." (outline provided by Witchy Woman - Thank you!)
  • Stage 1: "I Hate You So Much Right Now" - He hates your guts Ok this is a given. It's not like he's gonna like the person who ripped his little heart to shreds. Especially since he didn't know that he had a heart until you went and stomped all over it with your cute shoes.

  • Stage 2: "Let's Be Friends" - He pretends that you two can be friends. The key word here is "pretends". See he really doesn't want to be friends, he wants to get back together and hopes that being"Friends"will lead to being "Friends With Benefits" (you know what I mean), to being "Back Together". This stage lasts less than a minute because...

  • Stage 3: "Bring On The Waterworks" - Before long he's sobbing about how you two should be together again. Ahh, he's a crafty little devil if he actually breaks down in tears. See, he knows that he will really be pulling at your heart strings here since, "Men Don't Cry"unless they are really hurting. And only a cold, cold Bit#% (which he will call you when this fails) would deny a man in tears.

  • Stage 4: "Enlist An Army" - When The Waterworks fails (and he regains his composure and what is left of his manhood) he goes back to the pretending to be friends route. But this stage differs from Stage 2 because he's become smarter and bitter because you have seen him cry. So what does he do? He sneaks behind your back to tell all your friends about how you two should be together. He hopes that the army of "Ahh, you two should really get back together"-ers will do his dirty work for him. And beware ladies of the smart ones who send roses to jobs or gives other public gifts of affection. Because now he is enlisting complete strangers into his army, hoping you'll be inundated with so many "Ohh, that's a good man" or "He must really love you"s that you'll start having second thoughts. But don't falter....

  • Stage 5: "The Green Eyed Monster Always Gets'em" - When Stage 4 fails (since he cannot enlist any of your friends in his secret attack, or you trashed the gift before anyone could see it) he takes the anger approach of trying to make you jealous. This can venture in two directions (or he will just try both):

    • He will find the prettiest girl he can, as quickly as possible to clasp on to his arm, then parade her in front of you in hopes of making you jealous - hence running back to him.
    • He will hit on your best friend to keep. Thereby keeping his mark close to your heart. Making you both angry and jealous - hence you will run back to him.

  • Stage 6: "How You Like Me Now!": This is the Stage where he ignores you and he acts like he's too important and busy to waste his time on a stupid and insignificant ex like you. It is at this stage that Cell Phones, Blackberrys, Sidekicks or whatever tech toy he has (and he has a lot, he is a man) will go off whenever you are near, to emphasize how busy he is without you.

  • Stage 7: "You Won't Like Me When I'm Angry"- It is at this stage that he becomes so angry that his ignoring you had no effect on you, that he has no other choice but to get really angry. Be careful ladies, this is a dangerous stage. The is the stage where he channels his Inner Stalker. He will call and leave angry messages. He will call and leave sad message. He will call and leave veiled threats as messages. He will call and leave no message. But be strong ladies (and file restraining orders if necessary), because if you are, you will be through the worst of it and he will move on to the final stage...

  • Stage 8: "I'm OK. You're OK" (aka: Not giving a S*!# - thanks Warhol ) - He is now tired. He has now gotten over "it" and you. Maybe he has sought counseling or is locked up far, far away. Or maybe he has found another. Either way, he can finally act like a normal Joe again.
Thank you Witchy Woman for sending me such a great email and letting me expand on your outline. See everyone should have a Witchy Woman!

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