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As if you care about my dating life! But since you're reading this dating blog....

Wednesday, November 26, 2003
The Original Bastard: A Hair Care Story 


This is an archived post. Please read my more recent posts to this dating blog

In the spirit of the season, The Bastard News Network would like to present a Holiday classic: The Original Bastard , A Hair Care Story

In the beginning, God created The Heavens and The Earth and it was fabulous. But what was the point of all this glory if there wasn't anybody around to tell Him how fabulous it was? I mean come on, if you just created The Heavens and The Earth, wouldn't you want someone to tell you just how great it was? It's like coming from the salon when you know you look good, you want everyone to tell you. So basically, God's like the greatest hair stylist ever and wanted someone to worship His greatness. ( I just hope He isn't double book when my appointment times comes up.) Thus Adam was created.

Since he was God and all, The Big Hair Stylist In The Sky knew His boy Adam needed some company (and not 'company' in the Biblical sense, since The Bible hadn't been written yet). I mean seriously, what's the point being the greatest hairdresser if you didn't get referral business? Being all knowing, He knew a woman was necessary. Not just to compliment Adam, but because nobody worships a hair stylist more than a woman, especially with the whole Metro-sexual thing not popping off for another 2,000 years?

So He told Adam to "Raise up off one of them ribs" . Similar to your drunk uncle telling you to "Raise up off one of them ribs" at the family reunion (except your uncle also says, "before I bust that a$$" ). Thus Adam, knowing that God was all powerful and stuff, gave up the rib and a beautiful creature came forth.

With his "don't touch that"s and his "God told us not to"s, chilling with Adam was like chilling with your granny. So Eve would explore The Garden alone. Then one day, Eve was checking out this new spot when a snake started whispering to her. This snake was known around the way as The OB- Original Bastard. (Not to be confused with OB tampons- which would be created to discreetly absorb the monthly reminders of Eve's Original Sin. But we're getting ahead of ourselves here.) So ya man starts filling Eve's head with all these stories about how God wasn't the best stylist in town and that she was missing out on a world of hair care products. Eve didn't stand a chance;The OB was like the greatest salesman ever. Just imagine Ron Popeil , except with more skills. And if good 'ole Ron can get men to buy spray painted hair, this snake could get men to believe toupees look natural.

He told Eve how The Big Hair Stylist In The Sky had been keeping wonders like five minute deep conditioners, hair straightening balms and flat irons from her. And how those were necessities for managing frizzy hair like hers. And how John Frieda was his man and he had the hook up. And how if she just ate an apple from The Tree of Knowledge, she could have all this knowledge and more.

At first she declined his offer, since that was the one BIG thing Adam told her The Man said not to do. Then he made her an offer she just couldn't refuse. He told her, if she ate the apple, she would have the ability to create salon quality highlights at home. And we all know how many times women have fallen for that one. So again, Eve didn't stand a chance and ate the apple.

Now Eve's hair was looking good. I mean Herbal Essence screaming in an elevator good. But how could she keep it up? The OB only gave her some crack-sized samples of Frieda's products (similar to those devilishly addictive little Kiehl's samples you get at Sacks Fifth Avenue). And she had all but licked the last of the products out of their bottles. But she knew where she could get some more. So she went to the tree to see the snake.

The Original Bastard told her the only way to get more products was to get Adam to eat from The Tree. At first she resisted, because she knew Adam was a goodie-goodie and would never eat the apple. But the snake knew her weakness and upped the ante. Not only would she get lifetime supplies of hair products, but he could get her an appointment with John Freida himself, since that as his boy and all. Eve couldn't say no. Once a woman gets her hair just right, she will fight to keep it frizz free. And Eve wasn't about to let her hair get frizzy

So she tanned all day, rubbed her butt in rose petals and went to see Adam, apple in hand. "Never trust a big butt and a smile" (Too bad BBD wasn't around then to warn your man Adam). And Adam, being a man and all couldn't resist. So Adam and Eve got their freak on and partied like it was Freaknik '95. Except the only fat a$$ was Eve's, and the only wilding was by the crows. You know how those crows can get. Remember the crows from Dumbo and The Wiz ?

The party they had was crazy; but it got too loud, and the neighbors complained and God was called in to break it up. OK, you think ya moms was mad when you had that party back in junior high? Yeah you remember, the one where you broke the break front that had her collection of china that was so 'good' that you never used it. Yeah that party. Well you remember how mad she was? Well imagine that times a million. So basically God was pissed.

Adam and Eve tried to plead with The Big Guy, but He wasn't having it. I think what really pissed him off was that He could tell that someone else had "been all up in" Eve's hair. And y'all know how territorial hair stylists can get. So He kicked them out of The Garden.

Thus they left the garden, went into the world to beget many bastards. I hear Eve was last seen yelling about what a "good for nothing Bastard" Adam was when she saw him hollering at some hoochie. And the elusive appointment with John Frieda? It was postponed, since John is booked through 2006.

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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