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As if you care about my dating life! But since you're reading this dating blog....

Tuesday, August 19, 2003
We Interrupt Our Regularly Scheduled Rant: To Bring You This Clichéd Goodbye Letter 

"Dear No Sex In The Champagne Room Bastard",

I don't remember how that first kiss started.(Then again I did have 3 Gimlets at Après Diem) I do however remember feeling a warmth all through me (sorta like a shot of Grand Marnier). And when our lips parted, I was left with a feeling of being woken up from a great dream. I never had a kiss like that before.

The next morning, I thought about a letter that I wrote to my future soulmate a few years ago, and how these words could then have been written for you
Let's keep us in our every moment. Let's let all else disappears. Let's create our own secret happiness. Let's accept this challenge. Trust me... it will be so lover."
Funny how I thought that then, now all I can think is "So this is why they make those Damn heartbreak love songs!"

I wish that you had just admitted to me and yourself the following equation:
you + non-member of your church = no future
We would have never had to play this Heart Game and go through any of this. I asked you and you wanted to put it off. I asked again and you said, "I don't want to talk about this now". Now look where we are.

Now I feel you would have been unprepared for what we might have had. Unprepared to be so happy with someone who you could be all of your crazy selves. Unprepared to laugh and argue with someone who would and still think that everything will be OK. (We already seem pretty good at that). We could have had much more than just empty sex (I see you had that without me) and stupid conversations. It would have made all that came before seem like simply a warm up to what would be between us. Now that would have been amazing and could have existed between us.

I wanted to enjoy the company of a fellow lunatic. I wanted to make you believe all of the fantasies that you have about yourself. And I wanted to make them real. I wanted that One True Thing. That thing of poetry, and songs and obsessions and letters like this.... (Not to mention stalkers, serial killers and the like) I could have made it happen. That's my charm you see. How do I know this could have been? Because I saw it. I saw it when you looked at me. I loved how I felt when you looked at me. I felt rescued in your eyes. I felt.

You know Sunday night...whenever I heard a car pull up, I hoped that it was you. And even when I knew that it was just some silly fantasy, I still looked anyway. I thought about you so intensely that for a few moments my pillow felt like you. And when my pillow felt like you I thought, "I could have slept next to you every night for the rest of my life."

In Miss Lonelyhearts , Nathaniel West wrote:
"Life is worthwhile, for it is full of dreams and peace... and ecstasy and faith that burns like a clear white flame on a dark alter
As I stand on this dark alter, my bright hope covers and nurses me and let's me know that even though I never felt a kiss like yours before, I'll feel it again... it just won't be with you.

But this should all mean nothing to you, since you told me that my words mean nothing to you. And since all I really am and have are my words... I mean nothing to you. So again, Goodbye

The Mad Dater - Formerly Known As: The Silly Optimist

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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