As if you care about my dating life! But since you're reading this dating blog....

Monday, April 03, 2006
When Your Mom Calls You at 4am, It Can Only Mean Trouble 

I can't say that I am anything else but angry right now. I woke up at 2:30AM to get some work done. I procrastinated, and just when I decided that it was time to take a nap before working my mother calls at 4AM.

I prepared myself to hear that my grandmother had passed away. And then I thought, "What if something happened to my brother?". So I called my voicemail and it was my mother, "Something happened to your brother. I'm sorry for what happened. Your father has told you things.... But there is two sides to every story. I'm gonna pass on soon. God will forgive me even if you don't..."

My mother has called me 5, maybe 6 times since my dad passed away. I answered none of them. But when your mom calls you at 4AM you figure it can be only one thing, bad news. I took a deep breath and called her back. "Yes?" I wasn't angry when I said that.

I guess there is something that you should know here: My mom is the poster child for self-pity. It's never her fault, it's someone else's. And if all else fails to draw you to her side of a story, she piles on the guilt. Generally I get these type of stories and messages, before a major holiday or before her birthday. Days when she knows that I am not going to call. Days when I guess she hope that she can guilt me into calling.

My brother's wife left him with their two sons.

Then she starts telling me that I am in a long line of people who don't love her... She was abused as a child... Her mother abandoned her... She was raped by the people who my grandmother had left her to be with... She was abused by my father... My dad had been filling my head with bad stories about her.... My dad had another wife... Why do I hate her so much...

Just how much is a person supposed to take in at 4AM? How much can one person take in a lifetime? How much more of this can I take? Can't I just life my life and let her life be her life? why do I have to hear this all ... again... and again... and again....

The one thing my dad didn't do when my mom left, was say bad things about her. He's the one who had filled me in on some of the things that had happened to her growing up. He made me understand that there were reasons why she left. What he could never explain to me, was why she left. This is what I wanted to know from her, right now. Right now before I start to get angry... right now before I start to yell.. Too late, I started to yell and this is when I woke up my neighbors.

"Ma, I don't want to hear anything bad about dad, he's not here to defend himself. He never said anything bad about you and I don't want to hear it. I don't fucking wanna hear it. What I do want to hear is why you left. How can I not be angry when I had to hear stories about you being in the same city as me, but you never called us? How can I not be mad when you disappeared and I have to hear that friends had seen you but I hadn't? (I wanna tell her, I fucking hate her at this point - but I leave that part out). How can the only thing that you tell me about the period when you left be that, 'It wasn't two years'? What the hell happened during that time? I changed that day you left. The girl who people used to say "smiled too much", stopped smiling. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!?"

She started telling me the reasons again... she was abused... everyone hates her... it wasn't her fault she left... for what happened. I explained that I knew these reasons. But what I didn't know was the story of what happened from the day she left. The day I came home and saw my brother outside distraught that "ma left." How could she do that?

"Tell me what happened?"
"It wasn't two years."
"TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!"
"I never left. Don't curse at me."
"WHAT THE FUCK. You're telling me that I imagined you not being there?"
"I went into the garage and tried to commit suicide."
"But you didn't. Are you telling me that you had been in the garage for two years?"
"I never left. I went to Jamaica. Yes you imagined it" (Seriously, WTF?!)
"Ma, I love you. I'm trying not to get angrier than I am. I know you worked hard for us. I'm a strong person because you raised me that way. But I stopped talking to you years ago, because all you could tell me about when you left was that it wasn't 2.5 years -"
"I'm getting older. I have a heart problem. I'm going to die soon." She starts crying.

"Ma, I would love to have a relationship with you." I don't know if I really meant that, especially since my dad died I resigned myself to never speak to her again. I resigned myself to hearing the next thing about her was that she died. When she came back I tried to have a relationship with her. I went along like nothing ever happened, like every one else in the family. But I have to know what happened. I can't go on pretending that nothing ever happened. I want to have a relationship with her; but I want it to be based on truth.

"What happened? Tell me the story."

More excuses. More "it was everyone else". More "I never left"... More lies. "Ma I'm giving you one more chance. I have to get on with my life. I don't want my life to be stuck on pause. I have to get on with my life and if that means living without a relationship with you, because you can't tell me what happened. Because you can't take responsibility for your actions. Because you can't admit what happened, then so be it."

"It wasn't 2 years. Your brother will tell you that. I have a three way phone let's call him and find out."
"Ok, lets!"
"Not right now. It's 4 in the morning."
"No right now, because if you don't start telling me what happened this is the last time that we will be speaking."
"Not right now."
"Ma, good night."

This is not the post I wanted to be my return to blogging post. I wanted to write about how the when I revisited some of the trying episodes of my past here, the comments from the readers made me feel better. I wanted write about how I laughed at some of the funny stuff I read in the comments... how I felt consoled from complete strangers... how this blog had been my medicine and I'm glad I had it. I wanted to say thank you. I wanted to write about how everything was going well for me, and now this. I guess I can't go on pretending that my family doesn't exist. I have to call me brother.

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Monday, February 27, 2006
Get Up Out of That Fetal Position and Get Thee to a Treadmill ASAP! 

Ok, I've stopped crying, I've removed the pizza place from speed dial and I've put down the Ben and Jerry's ice cream - it's time to rebuild. I've put the treadmill that I bought for my birthday into heavy use. And I feel sweaty and good. I'm gonna be better, stronger, faster and most importantly hotter.

I remember when I broke up with Vidal Sassoon Bastard (If you didn't look good, he didn't look good. Yes, he was very superficial), I hit the bricks like I was training for a fight. Friends would tell me how they saw me jogging all over the city. But I tell ya, even though I weighed less than I did in high school and was much healthier, the best part was when I saw his brother after we broke up and his brother relayed the fact that I was looking good. Yes, him knowing that the woman who's spirit he broke, that the woman who developed an eating disorder after we broke up, (Though since, I've learned to never let a man make me doubt my "cute appeal" - lol) was looking good; and that felt good as hell.

Call it superficial revenge if you must, but ain't nothing better than seeing someone you used to date pick up their face off the ground when they see how good you look post break-up. What better revenge can there be after a break-up than looking better when you see them and thinking, "See you could'a been with this, now excuse me while I holla at ya man". Petty, whatever.

So my treadmil is my new best friend. Yeah I'll be healthier, I'll lose the grief weight I gained since my dad's death, but most importantly, I'll have my revenge (insert evil laughter here). Come spring my thighs will thank Dr. Love Bastard for being such a bastard.

So here's to thinner thighs, halter tops and bastard-ass guys!

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Thursday, February 23, 2006
What, Do You Think Tough Girls Don't Cry Too? 

Don't think that behind our tough girl image we aren't still girls. Do you think our hearts don't break also? Do you think we don't need your shoulders to cry on... too?

Behind the woman drinking shots with you, behind the woman paying for your lap dance at the strip club, behind the woman talking shit to you while beating your ass at poker is a woman who is just as vunerable as the next chick. Behind our tough girl act is still a girl who wants to be loved and cherished and told how beautiful she is like every other girl.

We lean over toilets and purge the pain like other women. We stand in the mirror and find all the little things we hate about ourselves to bear witness to the pain that we feel inside like every other woman. We drink away the pain behind smiling faces and we date men who are wrong for us. We forget to take our pills and pray that we won't be pregnant by Not The One as we stand in our bathrooms holding pee stained sticks.

Basically, we fuck up too.

We want to be the prettiest. And even when we are The Prettiest Ones we wish to be prettier, funnier, cooler, smarter, just anything more than we are now. Because like other women we think something must be missing, or our lives would be perfect. And even though others look at us and think that we have it it all under control, we know deep down that something is missing.

While we may never watch Lifetime and you'll never find us in the Chick Lit section, we worry about breast cancer and our reproductive time clocks too. And even when we say we don't want husbands and kids, sometimes we stand in line behind that shopping cart with the happy family and unruly kid who is about to steal something and secretly think, "I want that some day". But we brush those thoughts out of our minds in favor of reading the latest gossip. Because other people's problems are easier to deal with than our own.

We cry and hurt like every other girl. And I cry too. And I need that shoulder to cry on. And even when I say I am ok, I may not be. I just find it hard to ask for the things that I really want... like everyone else. Like every other woman.

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Monday, February 20, 2006
Have You Ever Felt Like You Didn't Really Matter to the One Person Who Mattered the Most to You? 

The following is an email sent to Dr. Love Bastard / Dr. Sigmund Bastard about the post: This Is Not The Email You Want To Get The Day After Valentine's. He called me after receiving my response to the email (see the comments from that post) and said, "Well you 'quote un-quote broke up with me' " & "We never had a conversation about it. You simply said you were done." I responded, "Well, let's have that conversation now". He was on the train at the time... going through a tunnel, so he said he would call me right back. He never did.

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I could act like I wasn't hurt by you not calling me back to finish what I considered an important conversation - but it would only be an act. At this point I simply ask that you don't call me back. Why? Because I don't want to have another one of your infamous circular conversations where I gain no insight from what you say. Especially since you don't exactly say anything. I guess that's the major problem - I don't (nor have I ever) known where you stand on "us".

I know that since we are good friends (what is it 10 years & counting now?), if I was speaking to you about what went on between us (ironic that you said "quote un-quote relationship" in our conversation since you made it a point to never call it "a relationship", but now chose to...), if it wasn't you I was talking about, you would've told me to ditch that person. Because here are the facts:

• I was in love with someone who didn't love me enough to share with his (our) friends that he was with me. Somehow the "Well you want to tell everyone" argument doesn't hold up. Especially since a few of our mutual friends already knew we were fu*k_ng around. But I guess this is my karmic retrobution, since that is usually my style.
  
• I was in love with someone who wasn't "in" love with me. Yes, I know you "Cared alot about me", but it's sooo not the same thing... and it's not enough.
  
• I was in love with someone who couldn't give me a definitive answer about if he saw me in his future.
• And most importantly, I was in love with someone who left me with the feeling that I was just their stop over (their waiting terminal - pun intended) until they found The One.

I know as a friend you would have told me to stop f*ck_ng with that person. But I guess you couldn't see that, since you were that person....

These last few months have been beyond hard for me. You all (my friends) don't even know... even if you all claim to. You all don't know what if feels like to have no family to talk to.... You all don't know what if feels like to have lost the most important person in your life. You all don't know what it feels like to be in mourning and not be able to share that loss with your family because that family doesn't talk to you. You all don't know what it feels like and how much that hurts... and how all you want to do is give up because the one person who you achieved for (in the back of your mind) is gone. And you all don't know what it feels like to have your life seem pointless because the one person you called when anything good happened is now gone.

You all don't know what it is like to feel like you don't matter anymore; especially since the one person who always made you feel like you mattered is now gone....

And as I thought about my life, you were one of the major things I thought about.... and cried about. I thought about how I felt that night you gave me a much needed hug (the happiest I had been in months). I thought about the next morning when our mutual friend came over and I had to go back to pretending that we didn't f*ck around (the second lowest I felt in months). And damn if that didn't hurt almost as much as the day I thought you told me you were in love with me (I was beyond happy) only to realize after additional questioning that you weren't "in love with me" (I was beyond crushed). I felt that while you "cared about me", I didn't matter enough to you for you to make a change in our situation.

So when I read that email, damn that shit hurt. Even if I wasn't f*ck_ng with you, you could have at least said something... anything... about her. Damn, I thought we were friends. And don't tell me that bullshit about "we weren't f*ck_ng around anymore", because that email goes back until around the time of my birthday (which did hurt me that you forgot - since my birthday is very important to me, especially this year - and hurts even more in light of that email).

I don't even feel like continuing this email... Because I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't shed anymore tears about you... again. And now I've broken that promise.

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This is part of a series of weekly posts to my dating blog. See my sidebar for other stories in The More Introspective Mad Dater series.

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Friday, February 17, 2006
Fellas Don't Expect a BJ For Every Good Deed & Just Once in a While... 

This post was inspired by the great list on the Two Guys Blogging post: Ladies, just once in a while.... Post your own list of things you wish that men/ladies would do "Once in a While". Leave me a link in the comments if ya do.

Fellas, Just Once in a While:

...when your lady comes home have dinner ready, give her a foot rub and don't expect that you'll be getting a BJ in return
...give your lady some oral loving & not expect a BJ in return
...watch dirty movies & don't decide that it's a good idea to re-inact the scene where the dude get jiz all over the girl's face & hair
...watch dirty movies with us & don't fast forward through the female getting head scenes (sheesh what 's up with that?)
...make your woman a gift instead of buying something that you put no thought into
...if we're out and wearing a skirt and tell you that we don't have any underwear on, let your fingers do the walking
...buy us a drink or take us out to dinner and expect anything in return
...ask us how our day was and be actually engaged in the conversation. And saying "Uh huh", "Really" and "Why do you think that happened" while you watch sports is not my definition of engaged.
...go to a chick flick with us and not moan, groan or complain
...not expect that we should have sex everytime you get hard... like when we're dead asleep

Got anything you think should be added to the list?

My favorites thus far:
Dating, Drama, and My Dog: Making me breakfast even when I say I'll eat at work
A Daily Dose of Dave: Write down your wildest and craziest fantasy and email it to your man while he’s at work.
So This One Time in Band Camp: When you check out a hot girl, make your comments, but end by telling your woman she's way hotter
Dubious Wonder: Just once in a while, don't ask for a bj before sex. I enjoy doing it for you, and it's a lovely thing, but sometimes I get sick of doing it and not having it reciprocated.
Girl Gone Amok: The quickie thing goes both ways - it's all in the approach. Just bend me over and f*ck me.
The Dating Life: If you really want to win a girl's heart, that's all you've got to do is show her that you care. And if you can do it creatively and romantically, more power to you. (This was not part of the list, but I love it)

... and while this wasn't in the form of a post this must be added to the list from - Just A Girl:

• When I have my period don't expect a BJ
• We hadn't seen each other for a week and he was horny and so was I -no way I am shagging him with sore bits. Anyway, we are making out on his sofa and then he stands up, whips it out and sticks it in my face! I was shocked. I knew it! He was thinking ALL along, yeast infections means no sex - no sex means I get a BJ!

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Thursday, February 16, 2006
This Is Not The Email You Want To Get The Day After Valentine's 

It's days like this that I'm reminded that no matter how tough I try to act. I am still a girl who can get her feelings hurt.

I was in love last year. I was in love with Dr. Love Bastard (aka Dr. Sigmund Bastard). I'm currently on a I Don't Love Him Diet since I'm not his The One. And more importantly, I've recently realized that he is not my The One.

And getting the following email from him to some chick by mistake was just what I needed to finally cut those heart strings. Oh, and by the way: I don't believe things happen by mistake. I believe what is meant to be is meant to be. And I was meant to get this. Thanks Bastard, I needed this!

(Warning: This email contains enough cutsie ass names to make ya wanna retch. And it's really long. It was one of those emails where they kept replying to the same email for over a month.): Continue reading: This Is Not The Email You Want To Get The Day After Valentine's

From: Dr. Love Bastard
To: Some Chick
Date: 1/13/06
Morning stranga. How have you been? What's good for the weekend? Do you have to work on monday (MLK day)?

From: Some Chick
To: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 1/13/06
Yeh, I have to work, good morning to you too. I was planning on coming to see you this weekend. How's school?

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: Date: 1/17/06
How are you? I emailed you yesterday and I didn't get a response. I'm not sure if my hotmail is acting up. I called you back also after I got out the shower.

From: Some Chick
Date: 1/17/06
Yeh, I didn't get that. I fell asleep right after I called you. What are you up to, sexy college man? What day does Valentine's fall on?

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 1/18/06
Morning lil mama. Valentine day falls on a tuesday. Why do you ask? You gonna be my valentine this year?

From: Some Chick
Date: 1/18/06
Unless you've been playing mind games with a college girl, yes.

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 1/18/06
Not at all. In fact and i'm being absolutely honest, I look at and listen to these chicks like damn, I can't wait to talk to keisa lata and see her again. What are u up to? I called you last night?

From: Some Chick
Date: 1/18/06
I was sleep, still waiting on the B complex vitamins to kick in, I'm out like a light after 9pm. What are you doing?

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 1/18/06
just got back from class. How is your day going?

From: Some Chick
Date: 1/18/06
My day is going well. Anxious to drop off this calendar I've been working on. Glad to be done with the thing. I'm so hungry my stomach is touching my back.

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 1/19/06
What's good Kiwi. I hit u this monin. How you? I slept good last night.

From: Some Chick
Date: 1/19/06
Doing very well, thank you? How well did you sleep?

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 1/20/06
Afternoon sexual chocolate. What are you up to? Hot plans for the weekend? I'm on my way to the crib anxiously awaiting your response.

From: Some Chick
Date: 1/20/06
Hot plans? lol I don't think so. I've got a meeting tomorrow morning at church that I'm certainly not looking forward to. What about you?

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 1/23/06
Afternoon mama. Whats going on wit ya? On my way to the crib right now. What happened to my phone call yesterday? Yeah Yeah Yeah

From: Some Chick
Date: 1/23/06
Yes Daddy I know. When we're married and shacking up you can walk over to me and spank me with the belt. How was school?

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 1/24/06
I know this was yesterday's but class is cool. No complaints. I'm sorry about last night but shaving took a lil longer than I expected. The idea about shackin up, getting married and spanking you is intriguing. You think we would make a good couple? What are you up to?

From: Some Chick
Date: 1/24/06
I think so, it would be alot of fun. Especially the first couple years or so of no child responsibilities and just two people doing whatever they way. I'm not doing anything, just found out I get a free Gold's Gym pass as a company perk.

From: Dr. Love Bastard
To: Some Chick
Morning ms. lady. It's a lil nippy out there. You always talkin bout stalking, got me playing the stalker.

From: Some Chick
To: Dr. Love Bastard
And just how do you think you're stalking me?

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 1/25/06
Although you dont answer I continue to call and leave messages. You haven't even touched me yet and im in the bushes on a niggerette.

From: Some Chick
Date: 1/25/06
It's only stalking if it's not returned. I've never told anyone beforethat I wouldn't mind being married to him. In the bushes on a niggerette? I don't know what that is but it sounds funny.

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 1/25/06
I be waching you from outside your crib. Good, because not only am I honored but I feel the same way. Ready to go?

From: Some Chick
Date: 1/26/06
I'm game if you are?

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 1/26/06
My lil mama. What's good in da hood? What you up to? You got me addicted to emails and phone calls now (from you of course).

From: Some Chick
Date: 1/30/06
Everything is good, I keep having to pee cause I'm drinking all this water.

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 1/30/06
Morning u lil blueberry muffin. What it is? Where u been?

From: Some Chick
Date: 1/30/06
Good morning Redbone. I was just thinking about you about an hour ago, I had something to tell you, but now I forget what it was. It was funny, I remember that. I'm really craving some pasta right now.

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 1/31/06
Afternoon mama. I hit u this morning and of course NADA. Whats good? How u feeling?

From: Some Chick
Date: 1/31/06
You must of called my home phone, the only call I got on my cell was from Gold's Gym. What do you think, yes or no?

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 1/31/06
Perhaps. Don't know and not sure. On my way to the crib. Bout to get some grub and chief. I gotta move. They knocking down my complex. Got until Feb 28th but I believe I'll be out by saturday. U shoulda been my fiance by now. Coulda shacked up.

From: Some Chick
Date: 1/31/06
Out by Saturday? Wow you move quick. Where are you going? You need help moving?

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 1/31/06
At this point i'm undecided. My homegirl who do my hair has a crib wit an extra room so if management continues to talk outrageous prices about other properties i'll be chilling over there. I plan on moving during friday so you will be at work anyway but if it takes longer than expected I dont need help but it would be nice to have you by my side. How are you?

From: Some Chick
Date: 1/31/06
I'm doing good, more worried about you now. So they have extra properties that they own, that they are offering to switch you to?

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 1/31/06
Need not worry ma. I got things lined up mentally so erryting should be irie. They have some propertie available. I know they have more but there pitching certain ones.

From: Some Chick
Date: 1/31/06
Where are they located?

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 2/2/06
Morning sexy. I was just thinking about how I use to watch you walk. Whats going on?

From: Some Chick
Date: 2/2/06
Tell me about how you used to watch me walk, I didn't know that. What area are you thinking about moving to?

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 2/2/06
Morning ma. I haven't heard your voice in two days. What up?

From: Some Chick
Date: 2/2/06
Hey Love. Last time we talked you seemed kinda busy trying to wrap the whole
moving thing around your head. I was gonna wait for you to call, I know you're busy. Any luck?

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 2/2/06
First of all i'm never too busy for you. Secondly I believe ill wind up staying wit my homegirl. I think I mentioned that she has an extra room inmher step moms crib. I was actually supposed to be her roomate last year but I changed my mind. How are you?

From: Some Chick
Date: 2/2/06
I'm fine. That sounds like you could actually save money.

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 2/2/06
That's actually the plan. I'll be out by march no later than april though. You know when I don't speak to you it fucks wit me.

From: Some Chick
Date: 2/2/06
What ya gonna do after march or april? I called you during lunch yesterday and you didn't pick up:-(

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 2/3/06
Morning kiwi. I'm in the process of packing my shit. How is your day is going? What are your plans for the weekend?

From: Some Chick
Date: 2/3/06
My dad is going good. Had snap beans and tofo for lunch. What are you packing? Yes, I'm being nosy.

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 2/6/06
Morning lil mama. I'm serious when I say it really makes me feel good when I hear your voice. I'm sitting here wondering why I just don't givie a fuck and know that everything will work itself out. Then I said to myself, I spoke to KIWI. How is your gloomy day going?

From: Some Chick
Date: Mon, 6 Feb 2006
My day is going pretty good. Nice to hear from you. How's the madness going?

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 2006
KIWEED, im sooooooo tired. I didnt sleep since monday. Finally got some sleep yesterday. 15 hours worth. How are you doing. As usual i miss your voice.

From: Some Chick
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 2006
Did you get my message? How are things at the new place? What's the plan for
today?

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: 2/13/06
Good afternoon kiwi. What have you been up to and how was your weekend?

From: Some Chick
Date: Mon, 13 Feb 2006
Weekend was good, haven't been up to much. I went to bed late last night because of an insane dripping noise I kept hearing. I thought it was in the ceiling or behind the walls, but it's under the sink in my bedroom. Just a constant drip onto the cabinet floor. I couldn't sleep because I was overreacting thinking my apartment's gonna flood or something. I hope they come and fix it today. What are you up to?

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: Tue, 14 Feb 2006
What up pumpkin butt? How is your vday going?

From: Some Chick
Date: Tue, 14 Feb 2006
Pumpkin butt. That's my favorite one yet. It's uneventful, what about you? How was the test?

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Date: Wed, 15 Feb 2006
Good day mama. How you be? Sorry about this morning. Bout to hit up class. What's good? We really need to do something.

From: Some Chick
Date: Wed, 15 Feb 2006
Everthing's good, we should catch a late movie or something, what's out now?

From: Dr. Love Bastard
Sent: Wednesday, February 15
Not alot. Final Destination 3, Firewall and underworld evolution are possibilities and pink panther is a weak option. Late movies are peace. You might have to nudge me a few times cause i get drowsy. When you wanna go?
brrreeeport

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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Tuesday, February 14, 2006
No That's Not Chewbacca... That's An Angry Wife 

This is Part Two of the blog post: His Old Lady With The Shoe

"AaArrRrGgGHhhh, AaArrRrGgGHhhh. AaArrRrGgGHhhh!!!" is a sound that only Chewbacca from Star Wars should make. "AaArrRrGgGHhhh!!!!!" is not the sound that a sane person makes. And "AaArrRrGgGHhhh!!!!!" is not the sound that you want to hear from an angry woman with a shoe in her hand heading towards you.

No human should be able to scream that loud, and for that long. Unfortunately I wasn't dealing with a normal human being, I was dealing with Angry Wife Who Just Found Her Husband at the Hotel Hot Tub In The Wee Hours of the Morning with Another Woman. So when I first heard "AaArrRrGgGHhhh" coming in the room and heading towards me, I should have reacted in some way.

But like I said yesterday, I thought this was some type of joke. Clearly I realized that this woman wasn't joking after she hit me upside the head with her shoe. You'd think I would run or fight back after she hit me, but damn I was in total shock. I mean, who the hell expects that their last night of vacation will end with someone's jealous wife beating them upside the head with a shoe.

What I was thinking:

Did I just get hit with a shoe?Did this man just get me involved in some Jerry Springer episode on my last day of vacation? Why on earth would he tell me he didn't have a girlfriend if he had a wife (not dating anyone my ass)? Why the hell would he think that if he saw me from his balcony that his wife wouldn't see us from the balcony? Is she gonna stop making that horrible noise?

What I should have been thinking:

Bitch start running. How the hell am I gonna check out tomorrow if they are on the same floor as me? Bitch start running.

So while That's My Wife Bastard was getting beat with the shoe, I mean trying to holding her back, I finally snapped out of the You've Just Been Hit With A Shoe Shock and started running. I ran around the opposite side of the hot tub and out the door. Afraid that they would be on my trail back up to the 12th floor (which we all were staying on), I hot-stepped it to another elevator and enlisted a cutie who came down to see what all the noise was, (yes even in a panic I will still take note of the cuties) to protect me on my elevator ride upstairs.

I safely got back to my room and when Witchy Woman asked me what that noise was (yes, that crazy woman was still screaming) I told her, "Lady, let me tell you about the bizarre freaking crap that just happened to me...."

Happy Valentine's Day! And remember, if we stop accepting invitations to go to hot tubbing in the middle of the night with complete strangers, the Terrorists win.

The Mad Dater - Later kids

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